i go to seek a Great Perhaps

Unfinished first page of a possible story. 

Working Title: Summer Mondays.

—

There wasn’t anything special about this particular Monday night. It was summer and I was doing what I did every Monday of that summer: hanging out at the bar below my apartment with my core group of friends. We never planned it out or really discussed it. Everyone just knew to show up. We called ourselves The Monday Night Favorites. It felt so fitting for that time.

It was simple.

The last arrival on Mondays was almost always you. You are one of the most confident men I have ever met, and a few Monday’s before this night, between beer five and six, you confessed you came late because you liked how you felt when everyone’s head turned to see who was walking through the door. I think you knew confessions were a way to my heart. And everyone knew nothing really started until you were there.

My desire to yell the words caught me off guard. The story of what caused that desire starts with your ex-girlfriend being in town. When she entered the bar - our bar - and saw us, she bounced her way towards us with her arms open for you. My heart sank. These Mondays were my favorite days of that summer. I felt that quickly changing with each leap she made. Then… you did something I never expected. You moved your body so you weren’t standing in front of me, but next to me. You introduced me affectionally. You shifted so at any given moment either your leg or arm was brushed up against me. You made a statement without really saying anything.

It was everything.

I remember standing there, watching you talk to one of our friends and wanting to do nothing more than scream, “I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU,” at the top of my lungs. It felt like I was going to shatter into a million pieces if I didn’t. And as you were shaking hands and hugging these people we cared for dearly, it took everything in me not to tell you, and all of them.

It was overwhelming, but somehow, I was able to keep in the words. Perhaps it was the normalcy of the evening and the constant jesting from Jeff and Aaron. Maybe, it was how Astacia kept demanding we pose for photos, and how each time you put your arm around me I felt at peace. Or it could have been how you stayed right next to me, never more than an arms length away and I felt like I was yours. But actually, it was when you went to buy a round for everyone, and She leaned over to whisper, “You make him happy. I can tell he’s in love with you. Even if he never says it.”

And with those few words, everything was put into perspective. Her last sentence allowed me to understand why this evening you were different than all the Mondays before.

It was never going to be more than this.

And it wasn’t.