i go to seek a Great Perhaps

My most serious ex and I have been broken up for almost 6 years. He’s had the same girlfriend (mind you, a former friend and coworker of ours) for 5 of them. In the three years we dated, which included a year of living together, he couldn’t be faithful for more than a few months. We’d break up for a little while and inevitably get back together. They haven’t. It’s just crazy to think about. Part of me says he’s probably cheated on her, because he did it to me and all the others before me (which I found out much later). But a bigger part of me thinks he’s most likely been faithful and probably pretty great to her. When he wasn’t screwing his ex or messing with my head he did some really nice/sweet/thoughtful things.

I wish I could go back to the time period when he first cheated. Or at least the first time I found out. We had only been dating for four months when his best friend Wes called to tell me. “I saw Shawn and Katherine at the Ridgeview football game last night. They were sitting together and sharing a blanket. They left together holding hands.” To add insult to injury, two weeks later I found out they had spent the night in a hotel together. I was beside myself. I couldn’t believe it. He had been so great. There had been no warning, but it was true. And all I wanted to do was talk to him and have him want to be with me, and only me. I say I wished I could go back because if I could, I would slap that old me and tell her, “This is the biggest mistake you could ever make. Do not take him back. If you do, you will spend two and a half more years loving someone who will say he loves you, but really doesn’t. He will, and does cheat again. A few of the times it will be with Katherine. There will also be a girl from SLO. Finally, it will be Christina, and you will catch them in the act. It will all end in the front yard of the beach house. You will be looking at the two of them wondering how your life got here, and he will finally say what you already knew, ‘You are my biggest regret. I never loved you.’”

Hindsight really is 20/20.

I don’t know why I thought about this just now. I rarely think about him and what happened. I’m so indifferent to the situation. It’s weird how memories can sneak up on you.