i am waiting for the one moment that changes everything.
I remember falling for him immediately. It was overwhelming and quick. There was no pause, hesitation or second guessing. It wasn’t slow or simple. It was everything all at once. It was what I thought love looked like. It was like being in a tank and the water was gushing in while all I felt was happiness.
Over the next three years the happiness faded away. It was replaced with jealousy, anger, resentment and hurt. And that tank started to drown me.
I had given up so much of myself. I based a major life decision on him; something I promised myself I would never do. I lost confidence in myself and believed I was worth what I was being given. The definition of myself no longer included anything related to me. I was defined by him and how much or how little he decided to love me every day.
So now, when I find myself in a relationship full of compassion, grace, understanding and patience, I stop myself. I am making things be slow and simple. I keep conversations light and grand declarations are banned. It’s not fair to do that, I know, but I don’t know how else to protect myself. I don’t know that the waters won’t turn on me if I let myself fall and be submerged in what could be love. I could begin drowning once again. And if I start drowning, I start putting myself last. I make careless decisions and do everything to save something that isn’t meant to be saved. There is no happiness in that.
Deep down I believe this is different. I believe he’d never do the things the former did.
But what if he does?
And what if I drown?
What a busy, busy four months it’s been.
-Traveled to: California x 3, Alaska, Colorado, North Dakota, South Dakota and Ohio.
-Got a boyfriend
-Worked two festivals
-Created the WSPD / NSPW week campaign for TWLOHA
-Went Halibut and Salmon fishing for the first time.
-Spent a week with my best friend who I hadn’t seen in a year
-My little cousin who I’m close with went off to college (He also just scored his first goal in college soccer).
-The high school campaign I run raised over $66,000 in its first term.
-Read three books
-Attended an awesome nonprofit award show for work, The Classys.
-Got to see two of my best friends from high school that I hadn’t seen in three years.
-Finally finished Dawson’s Creek (and trust me, that’s an accomplishment, started watching it two years ago).
-Getting this health thing looked into that I’d been putting off for months
And that’s just to name a few. Fall is heading into full swing.
The second term of The Storytellers kicks off on Monday, and I’m still accepting some late applicants. We’ll probably come in around 65-70 schools. That’s about half of what we had last term, but I’m comfortable with that. We made a lot of changes that I think greatly benefit the campaign. Three of the bracket winners from last term are having their events in October so I’ll be in Michigan and Illinois x 2.
But I like things busy. Busy is good. It helps. I have, however, been neglecting my writing. Life is good. I’m content. A little happy even, and when that happens my writing suffers. I write the best when I’m miserable.
Oh the irony.
I don’t ask for a lot.
I’m pretty simple to please.
Be considerate and actually listen to me.
I will always do the same for you.
I don’t know why everyone expects me to give up everything.
Why am I the one:
Always having to sacrafice?
Having to be the bigger person?
Who consistently cares more?
I wish just for once someone would show up and not want something from me.
That I would matter more.
I’ve written about God, my relationship with Jesus, and my journey with “What does it mean to be a Christian?,” here a few times. Honestly, you can probably somewhat track it all through old blogs, but today reminded me how far I’ve actually come.
I’ve always said believing in God has never been the issue. I have always believed, however, I have not always had Faith. In the past year this has completely changed, and I’ve been in awe of the incredible ways the Lord has worked in my life.
I’ve been going through some really heavy and hard things I never expected. An impossible situation and one you could never prepare yourself for. Today was brutal, and I was feeling so small and insignificant, but then God stepped in and John 16:33 found me.
John 16:33 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.
Originally posted last year. Just a reminder for myself.
Hi, Proverbial Rock?
I’d like to introduce you to Hard Place.
I’ll be living between the two of you apparently.