i go to seek a Great Perhaps

“I’m here.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“I will prove myself.”

And yet…I haven’t heard from you in weeks. I don’t need you to ever talk to me again, which is what I said back in December when you decided to show up (again). 

I told you I didn’t believe anything you said. And I had been content with where things imploded the last time after the first and second time.

You persisted and insisted.
You contested.
You swore. 

You said everything you had already said, and then said it all again.

You promised and repeated.
You changed.
You swore.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’ll do whatever it takes.”

“I. Am. Still. Here.”

Every word was a warning, and in the end a complete disappointment. Which is okay. Because I had said it all before anyways.
 

I watched the clock go from 1:59 a.m. to 3:00 a.m. and couldn’t help but think that’s how my life is. The only difference is it’s become less like hours and closer to something resembling years.

I went to sleep being 21 and woke up realizing I’m 24. Time keeps slipping through my fingers, and I constantly fear the next time I open my eyes the only difference will be that I’m 39. 

I don’t know how to fix the emptiness left from the things people took. 

I thought letting others in would help get some of those parts back. When that didn’t work the next logical thing was to keep everyone out so nothing else could go missing. But I didn’t have any luck with that either.

So I pretended. And it allowed me to keep myself together for a little while longer. The thing with pretending is that it’s attached to so many other things. Then, little by little, it starts to fray. There aren’t a lot of ways to repair pretending because it isn’t real. Usually the only fix is to pretend something else entirely. I’ve never been very good at it anyways.

Finally, I went back to the shell formerly known as me and took an inventory of what remained. I used what little was left to rebuild and start again. The problem with rebuilding is that it takes a lot of time. Despite this, it appeared to be working because a year and a half and a whole lot of counseling later, my foundation was steady. The glass house I live in, wasn’t breaking.

With rebuilding, you get a clear look at every thing your life doesn’t have. I’m still not sure if this is a problem or a perk. For me, a lot of what I don’t have are things I thought I’d never have to worry about. I just assumed they’d happen early on because of how I’m wired. The things I do have, I figured I wouldn’t. Funny how that happens. So, here I am, staring at what’s missing, and trying to pack up all of my time so I don’t lose any of it until I have all the pieces that are supposed to make up me.

If only time worked like that.

I want to go on a rant about how stupid people can be on the Internet. And about how careful a person can be when choosing their words, yet people will still work to find issues with the littlest things. It’s ridiculous. But I won’t. I’ll just say:

It isn’t always some deep seeded thing. It’s not drawing lines in the sand. It’s a matter of fact statement about an opportunity. It’s not a declaration putting certain types of people above others.

It’s a waste of time to sit there and only critique others. Society isn’t perfect and neither are you. Just because you take a stand on every single issue doesn’t make you perfect or a martyr. You will at some point offend someone, so remember that while you’re busy tearing others down. 

Get off your damn soap box and finding problems with the littlest things. Aren’t you exhausted already?!

Got one of bottom wisdom teeth out today. Did the top last year and they decided to leave the last one in.

Overall, it went great. In moderate pain and going slightly stir crazy. I’m always go-go-go Monday through Friday so the weekends are my downtime. Would it be totally weird if I went and saw Warrior in my pajamas with an ice pack on the left side of my face tomorrow? Lol. None of my friends or coworkers will see it with me! I need to go before it’s out of theaters and I had to take a few days off of work for all of this anyways.

It probably would be weird, but whatever. I might just do it. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow. Rest is my top priority.

From their website…”Kickstarter is the largest funding platform for creative projects in the world. Every week, tens of thousands of amazing people pledge millions of dollars to projects from the worlds of music, film, art, technology, design, food, publishing and other creative fields.”

First, let me say I don’t have a problem with what Kickstarter is attempting to accomplish. I can appreciate their vision. I have even supported my friend’s band when they posted one earlier this year. However, as I see more and more Kickstarter’s popping up, it makes me wonder about where our generations work ethic is heading. Before technology and the internet people had to work hard, make an effort, and if they didn’t have the money they had to go to the bank for a loan.

But now, thousands of people can post a Kickstarter for people to fund their careers ranging from making an album to paying someone’s bills so they can stay home for a year to write. I am shocked to see legitimate companies asking people to donate to a new project they want to do when they could financially fund it themselves. 

In defense of bands who post Kickstarters, they do offer rewards for people who contribute. For example, $10 gets you a copy of the album. Essentially, people are paying for the album in advance. I don’t take issue with that, because in almost all cases, band is still out there working, often by going on tour. I know a lot of other Kickstarters also offer rewards, but instead of offering rewards, just sell those items instead to get money. I have issues with people who don’t want to work, but want people to fund their “project” which means paying their bills so they don’t have to worry about money and can focus on something else. I have a problem with companies armed with investors, a large profit and an ability to get a bank loan posting projects for people to fund. 

I have a full-time job. I work over 40 hours a week, often do work-related things on the weekend, and I bust my ass every single day. No one is paying my student loans so I can focus more on my career. No one is paying my rent so I can hang out at home and work on something I’m interested in. The lack of work ethic I’ve noticed in recent years scares me. I know the economy isn’t helping, but there are still millions of people out there still trying to get work. I have more friends who have graduated college that can’t find jobs than those who are employed. There are so many people out there that want to work and can’t find it. I guess the heart of my issue with Kickstarter is not the website or the idea as whole, but some of the people who use this type of new avenue to avoid having a real job. In a country with a 9.1% unemployment rate, why are we funding projects for people who don’t want to hold down a job in order to pursue what they’re passionate about?