i go to seek a Great Perhaps

“The gory bits of you and the gory bits of me.”

My heart.

I love you.

I spend so much time thinking, “If I can just hang in there, he’ll realize I’m the one.” I ignore the signs being sent to me because they are just tests I need to pass. I accept the excuses, dismiss the lies and believe it will be different. I know these are trials we’ll laugh about when telling our children how we came to be their parents. I want us and I will continue to wait because it will be worth it.

I loved you.

It could have been enough. It could have been a lifetime. I finally realized these aren’t tests I’m not passing. Instead, they are all the reasons why I needed to let go. I had to keep learning this hard lesson and having my heart broken because it was the only way I would come to understand that we are never going to build a life together. The disappointments, lies and lack of respect were there to teach me that I am capable of the deepest depths of forgiveness, but grace does not make me a doormat.

I love you.
I loved you.

I don’t understand how people can be in a long term relationship (with one person for more than 3 years), live with them and then less than 5 months after that relationship ended, enter into a brand new relationship.

People do it all the time, but I just don’t get it. When Shawn and I broke up and I moved out I didn’t even kiss another guy for over a year. And when I did kiss that guy, I felt like I was cheating.

I know men and women are different, and some say it’s rebounding, but some people stay in those new relationships for years. I understand not wanting to be alone, but I would never want to settle for a new relationship just to keep the loneliness at bay.

Maybe part of me is jealous at how quickly they can move on and be with someone new. I just don’t know to feel any other way but deeply.

All I can give you is what I have left.
There isn’t anything more.
It was taken from me.
Sometimes in big pieces, other times in tiny shards.
But I promise you, it’s everything.
It’s all that I have.
And I will do all I can for it to be enough.

I guess it’s simple really. My heart finally caught up with my head.

“I wish it could just be simple, like a retro pop song, ‘I want you to want me.’ Boom. End of story. We all live happily ever after. But it is never really like that, is it?”

“When you love someone there are really only two options: being with them or thinking about being with them.”

I wish you were.