i go to seek a Great Perhaps

What was the point of it? The point of you and me and those summers?

I know during the days and nights I kept thinking how all of it really mattered. I felt like I was on the inside of a rare story. It seemed so one of a kind.

But now, when I try to go over the significance of it, I fail to see any. It was a girl and a boy who whispered, “I love you,” and “Always,” and “I miss you,” but only one of them meant it. When you figure out that you were the only one living in it, while everyone else was acting in it, a disconnect happens.

So here I am. This is the other side of “We’re okay,” and “Maybe,” and “I’m sorry.” This is the hollowness that comes when you realize it didn’t have a point other than being a dress rehearsal for someone else’s life.

My most serious ex and I have been broken up for almost 6 years. He’s had the same girlfriend (mind you, a former friend and coworker of ours) for 5 of them. In the three years we dated, which included a year of living together, he couldn’t be faithful for more than a few months. We’d break up for a little while and inevitably get back together. They haven’t. It’s just crazy to think about. Part of me says he’s probably cheated on her, because he did it to me and all the others before me (which I found out much later). But a bigger part of me thinks he’s most likely been faithful and probably pretty great to her. When he wasn’t screwing his ex or messing with my head he did some really nice/sweet/thoughtful things.

I wish I could go back to the time period when he first cheated. Or at least the first time I found out. We had only been dating for four months when his best friend Wes called to tell me. “I saw Shawn and Katherine at the Ridgeview football game last night. They were sitting together and sharing a blanket. They left together holding hands.” To add insult to injury, two weeks later I found out they had spent the night in a hotel together. I was beside myself. I couldn’t believe it. He had been so great. There had been no warning, but it was true. And all I wanted to do was talk to him and have him want to be with me, and only me. I say I wished I could go back because if I could, I would slap that old me and tell her, “This is the biggest mistake you could ever make. Do not take him back. If you do, you will spend two and a half more years loving someone who will say he loves you, but really doesn’t. He will, and does cheat again. A few of the times it will be with Katherine. There will also be a girl from SLO. Finally, it will be Christina, and you will catch them in the act. It will all end in the front yard of the beach house. You will be looking at the two of them wondering how your life got here, and he will finally say what you already knew, ‘You are my biggest regret. I never loved you.’”

Hindsight really is 20/20.

I don’t know why I thought about this just now. I rarely think about him and what happened. I’m so indifferent to the situation. It’s weird how memories can sneak up on you.

“What are we doing wrong? We saw Jennifer’s Body in theaters for crying out loud! I’m pretty sure there are plenty of guys who’d love that.”

I love you.

I spend so much time thinking, “If I can just hang in there, he’ll realize I’m the one.” I ignore the signs being sent to me because they are just tests I need to pass. I accept the excuses, dismiss the lies and believe it will be different. I know these are trials we’ll laugh about when telling our children how we came to be their parents. I want us and I will continue to wait because it will be worth it.

I loved you.

It could have been enough. It could have been a lifetime. I finally realized these aren’t tests I’m not passing. Instead, they are all the reasons why I needed to let go. I had to keep learning this hard lesson and having my heart broken because it was the only way I would come to understand that we are never going to build a life together. The disappointments, lies and lack of respect were there to teach me that I am capable of the deepest depths of forgiveness, but grace does not make me a doormat.

I love you.
I loved you.

I don’t understand how people can be in a long term relationship (with one person for more than 3 years), live with them and then less than 5 months after that relationship ended, enter into a brand new relationship.

People do it all the time, but I just don’t get it. When Shawn and I broke up and I moved out I didn’t even kiss another guy for over a year. And when I did kiss that guy, I felt like I was cheating.

I know men and women are different, and some say it’s rebounding, but some people stay in those new relationships for years. I understand not wanting to be alone, but I would never want to settle for a new relationship just to keep the loneliness at bay.

Maybe part of me is jealous at how quickly they can move on and be with someone new. I just don’t know to feel any other way but deeply.

And I am so thankful for that because you are a terrible, terrible person.

You told me Dallas was a fun city to explore. And because you had finally been somewhere South, on your own, you realized what opportunity can lie in adventure.

You asked me about tour again. I had already told you the places, cities, and stories, but you saw them with new eyes. You asked me about the world and what I wanted to see. I mapped them out in my mind as I named each one.

You agreed with me that Ireland would be amazing. You wanted to go back to Australia. We talked about South Africa and taking a safari. London and Italy were obvious choices and little was discussed about both. We knew there might not be enough time to do everything. We said we’d try.

Aside from these grandiose plans, we talked about life plans. Taking a bike trip across the Midwest when we were 40. Moving to Colorado, or Arizona (I would never be able to survive the heat). The hopes, goals, and dreams we shared. Our individual careers, aspirations and needs.

But even as the words left your lips, I always new they’d be nothing more than sentences and empty promises. If you could stop being so scared of what comes next you could live a little. You would know the meaning of what it was to be free. You would be a little reckless, and a little happier.

You dream enough for two, but you only plan for one and here we are with nothing to show for a lifetime of missed opportunities.